During one of our exchanges,  the subject of personal happiness came up as it would often again in the future. In spite of having more money than one could spend in a lifetime, he was really an unhappy person when it came down to it. I asked him why. He told me it was simple: he wanted the same thing that everyone wants and it was something that no amount of money could buy.  I asked him what he thought that was. His response: someone to believe in him.

This was a pivotal moment for me. You see, as I mentioned in my last blog post, I had ongoing issues with my mother. But I never really could figure out what it was. I just knew that it felt like she did her damnedest to make my life miserable in so many ways. After this discussion with my friend, upon reflection, I realized that the biggest thing a parent can do for a child is to believe in them. To show confidence in who they are and who they could become.

It dawned on me that what was wrong – the breakdown in communications with my mother and I – came down to a continual lack of faith in me.  No matter how good anything I did was, it simply wasn’t good enough.  This caused a lot of damage – both to me as an individual and to our relationship. It made me afraid to share even the good stuff with her because I felt that she’d still find something bad in it.

Although our family didn’t have much when I was younger, during my last few years of high school and CEGEP (junior college), my mother’s small business was doing well and our standard of living improved a bit. When I was about to start university, my mother decided it was time to retire. My father had already retired a few years previously. I had always expected that I’d take over the business. I had worked for her off and on during school. It wasn’t complicated to do. It would have helped me get my adult life on a good track. Something inside her didn’t think I was capable of doing it. Instead of even giving me a chance, she simply closed the business down.

Around the same time, I was involved with the first person I was truly in love with. He was from a very wealthy family. I hadn’t even known who he was never mind how much he was worth when we had first met. It was irrelevant. Everytime we did anything, I paid my fair share to make sure the reasons I was with him were clear. In spite of this, his mother believed I was with him because of his money and said that I’d never end up with him.  I was 20 or 21 at the time of a specific conversation with her and I still remember it like it was yesterday. Eventually this sentiment crept into our relationship.

I was engaged very young. A total mistake in hindsight. But one of our big issues – which set the tone for many of our future relationships – was resentment or jealousy of how things came to me apparently “easily” while he had to work hard and still didn’t see results. I remember we were both writing for the McGill Tribune (student newspaper). He had aspirations to be a journalist. I enjoyed the creative outlet of writing but didn’t see it as a career for me. He started at the newspaper the year before me. One semester in, I was asked to be an assistant editor. For almost a week, he didn’t talk to me.

My life seems to have a recurring theme of people who don’t believe in me, believe I’m not good enough on some level, who don’t think I need the emotional boost to do what I do or who in some way have been jealous or resentful of what I’ve been able to do.

I have no idea some days how I’ve been able to accomplish some of the things I have. It’s been a lot of self-motivation. It’s been a lot of ignoring what everyone else says or doesn’t say around me because it does little to contribute to me moving forward.

What has been a big disappointment for me is that I have expended an incredible amount of energy over my life in encouraging and motivating others. I’ve believed in others when they didn’t believe in themselves. Time and again. I’ve yet to experience how that feels – to be on the receiving end of someone who genuinely believes in my abilities and who does so without any resentment or expectation of getting something in return.

I’m not saying I have never received any support from people. But it’s a matter of lacking in consistent support from individuals over an extended period of time.

If I sound bitter in any way, I’m not. It is what it is and it’s contributed to who I am as a person today. It hasn’t made me care less about supporting others to the extent that I can. Maybe if things had been different for me, I’d not have succeeded to the same level.

Not having someone in your life who truly believes in you and who can cheer you on through successes – big and small – is tough. It’s not where I want to be.

Take a look at the people in your life who mean something to you. What do you do – and what can you be doing better – to let them know you believe in them? What difference can you make in someone’s life just by saying 4 simple words: “You can do it.” Whether it is a child, a spouse, loved one or a friend – the 30 seconds a day it takes to give encouragement can mean the world of difference in what his/her life will ultimately look like.

In my last blog post, I made it seem like there were only 2 ways to deal with emotional burdens: trying to decipher things or burying them. A couple of conversations with good friends reminded me there is a 3rd – and much healthier way – simply learning when to truly let go.

I’ve already shared that I have trouble dealing with emotional things. It’s difficult enough to figure out why I feel the way I do, never mind taking into account someone else’s emotions and the reasons they feel and do the things they do. You can analyze what it was about you that caused them to feel or do whatever it is that they felt or did and find yourself going nowhere but crazy.  The truth of the matter is, it is often nothing about you, but entirely about the other person.

If you separate out from the situation what is/was under your control from them, sometimes you’ll find there were things you could have done differently. You can choose to take personal responsibility for those behaviors and emotions then chalk it up to – sometimes a painful – learning experience and then let go of the rest.

Perhaps because I’m a strong person I have always had an issue with truly letting go. I equated letting go with a sign of weakness. But, really, is it? By not letting go – and releasing whatever emotions you attach to a situation or a person – you are giving it more power. Holding onto things, trying to sort through things that often have no answer in logic, is actually weakness is it not?

There are a number of things I’ve written/tweeted relating to this over the course of this year. I think at some level, I knew what I should be doing from a logical standpoint; I just needed the emotional side to catch up. Here is one of those tweets:

“Truly letting go of something can not only change your mindset but it can change your life.”

Many years ago, I was in a place where I had let myself start to feel. At the time, I was in a relationship that was troubling. It was someone I was very close with who had, in my opinion, taken on a bad behavioral pattern of saying and doing things to intentionally cause pain.  I confronted him about it – saying we either had to end our friendship or things had to change. His response to me was: “I do not do things to hurt you. It’s how you choose to respond that causes the pain you feel.”  I felt he was being cruel by not making an effort to understand why I was hurt. In retrospect, I realize he was right. He was at a very bad place in his life. I let his words and actions hurt me. In doing so, I gave up personal power. I walked away from what had been a very good friendship because I let something that wasn’t at all about me/our relationship but relating to other things he was going through impact how I felt.

With serious prompting from one of my friends, I realized it was time to take my own advice. In 3 specific circumstances that were bothering me – emotional baggage if you will – I decided not only to let go, but to take personal responsibility for that which was mine and to also tell the people. I received closure in doing so. After all, isn’t a lack of closure one of the major reasons we have pain from many situations? The ball was in their court for how they chose to respond, if they responded at all.

My state of mind was not at a place where I actually had let go before writing/sending the emails. But through the process of getting it out there, I had a mindshift. I also now have my personal power back. I’ve let situations that were draining me on some level make the shift to being learning experiences.

This isn’t about putting walls up. This isn’t about stopping myself from feeling. It’s about recognizing that sometimes – no matter how we feel, what we did, what damages were done – the only thing we can change is how we choose to react and when we’ve decided we’ve given up enough on an emotional level to something or someone.